Chris Croft
Tips of the Month – Archive


Assertiveness Tip 4



       
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You don’t have to justify how you feel

You are responsible

I notice, I interpret

Faulty thinking

Persist – like when training a puppy!

Your daily refresher

How to change yourself – the first way

How to change yourself – the second way

Being yourself

It’s never too late to go back

Banish guilt from your life

Aggression – it might be you!

You reap what you sow

Psychological games players

There are always two ways to see things - examples

Start small and build up

Faulty Thinking

Many people make assertiveness decisions based on faulty thinking, or get themselves into faulty thinking circles. For example, they might think "Next time he does that I'm going to have a go at him" or "I won't say anything because it won't make any difference - he's just a horrible person and that's that". As you can see, the thinking is faulty: being aggressive or being passive are not going to be effective. Circles of thinking might be to get ever more extreme: "Shouting didn't work that time, so next time I'll shout and punch him as well" or "He ignored me so next time I won't even bother to go to the meeting".  Circles can also swing between the two ineffective strategies of aggression and submission: "I shouted at him and he threw me out, so next time I won't say anything" or "He ignored my sulk so next time I'll have a tantrum instead"

Clearly the thing is to get the thinking right and then hopefully the behaviour will follow: "I lost my temper there, but I don't have to do that and next time I'll keep cool and calmly ask for what I want", or "I didn't speak up then, and I should have, and next time I will. I'll calmly tell him how I feel and what I want him to do. And I'll make sure he listens to me". As always I'm not saying it's easy, but being aware of the processes that go on inside your own head is the start. None of us get it right every time, but constant small improvement is the objective.

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